I just posted in here earlier this afternoon, but will write more because I am at a loose end until my bus comes in 45 minutes. My research for an essay on the KJB is dependent on some resources at home, so that is put aside for now; my Coleridge essay is very difficult to research, and here's why:

The first part of the assignment is to find 15 scholarly peer-reviewed articles, published in 1996 or later. Now, I'm sure there is a rationale behind this, like appreciating current critical attitudes. Unfortunately, Coleridge lived from 1772 until 1834, so there is hundreds of years of criticism on his work. I am researching one of his more obscure poems, "This Lime-Tree Bower My Prison", and I can only find about 8 articles written since 1996 that specifically mention this poem by name. I found about 20 more written from roughly 1930 until 1990, but that is of no help. However, I will make a definitive list of what I have found, and make an appointment with my lecturer to plead my case. Perhaps there is a secret cache of Coleridge criticism, and she is waiting for me to visit her office, where there is a treasure map (yellowed with age and burned around the edges) that will lead me to a place marked with an 'x'. Upon digging several feet down, I will find a big book of articles written just about this poem, and in the last ten years. Right - I'll put making that appointment on my list of Things To Do This Week.

***

Another topic currently on my mind is my recent name-change. I have only been a "Bennett" for about six weeks, but I am finding it difficult to adjust to - which is nothing to do with the quality of the name of course, just that I'm not used to it yet.

I have a new driver's licence now, am in the process of applying for a new passport ($150!!), and slowly changing things like bank accounts, library cards, power/phone accounts, and so on. I decided not to change my name with Studylink, because I want my degree to state my maiden name. If I change my name with Studylink but not the University, things are just going to get really confusing, and I'm quite convinced that I'll stop getting my money. So, I'll change my name officially with IRD once I graduate and my student loan has been transferred.

However, all practicalities aside, I find it quite difficult to remember that I have a different surname, as my previous name has been with me for a lot longer (stating the obvious here), and I guess that somewhere inside I feel like I have given up part of my identity. I wasn't forced to change my name, and it was a conscious decision I made, and I don't judge anyone for their decision either way. It just feels strange. Like a game; some ''make believe' game to play. But perhaps it is like a new t-shirt, or a new house - inevitably strange initially, but after awhile, you can hardly recall what it was like before it was part of your life.

And don't get me started about being a "Mrs" - that is just a bit too far out of my scope at the moment, and I shall have to keep ruminating that one over for a long while yet.

***

On the subject of ruminating... I have been having really awful sleep lately, or rather, an awful lack of sleep. When I finally manage to drift off, I am plagued by terrible nightmares.

Ever since my Dad died three years ago, I have had recurring nightmares, usually set in the same place, but always always the same scenario - I am running around, trying to find someone or something, but there are too many obstacles in my way, or uncooperative people, or some circumstance that prevents me achieving this goal, and there is always someone chasing me, too. I wake up exhausted and upset.

However, some of the dreams have taken on a more sinister notion. Of course, there were the 'stressed about the wedding' dreams earlier this year, which involved Jeremy thinking I looked ugly, or invitations not being sent out, etc. But the majority of dreams I have had since roughly late last year have been about family members being in car crashes, or hurt in some way; me being chased by someone wanting to murder me; intruders in my house; my house being filled with people and it catches on fire but I can't get anyone out of harm's way; people drowning; Jeremy being lost and I'm unable to rescue him... I won't go on.

I'm really confused as to why these dreams keep coming back (again, often I am in the same place, this one particular room or house or courtyard; nowhere that I've been in waking life). And it makes for very unsettled sleep - I often wake up at 2am, stay awake until 3am too scared to go back to sleep; wake up again at 4am, stay awake until around 5am, ditto; awake again at 6:30am when Jeremy gets up for work. And even worse is the fact that Jeremy usually falls asleep really quickly, so I've been spending a lot of time by myself, staring at the ceiling, watching the room almost imperceptibly get lighter as dawns nears. To add insult to injury, I really struggle to wake myself up from these dreams, but according to Jeremy, I start moving around and my breathing changes; sometimes I kick him (accidently, of course), and he wakes up, realises I'm having a nightmare, and then wakes me up. I am upset at the dream I just had, but I get even more upset that I've interrupted Jeremy's sleep again. So neither of us have restful sleep. And the cycle goes on and on.

It's affecting my life because I am not good at sleep-deprivation (except when there are essays to be handed in), and I get snappy with Jeremy, who doesn't deserve it, or makes me over-react to the most minor issues (like wet bathmats not hung up; clothes left on the floor; dishes not being done). So I publicly apologise to my dear husband for that. Although he knows already, I want to thank him for his patience and understanding, especially when all this sleep-deprivation is compounded by PMS and it culminates in slammed doors or huffy silences or cold shoulders. I hope this passes soon, Jeremy, and may the good times continue to outweigh the testing...

So, plan of action? Well, I have some herbal sleeping tablets I take occasionally. They don't solve the dreams issue, but usually I feel a bit more rested upon waking. Maybe I need to get back into counselling. It's worked before.

***

Off I go into the oppressive clouds, to get the bus, and then to struggle home in the southerly wind and rain, to Jeremy, who is making dinner tonight, hurrah...