a small slice of an update

At my job I am paid to write emails and read newspapers and look at books. I also spend lots of time packaging up books and making tea. I go home each day feeling like I have spent the whole day on a hobby; I sometimes feel like I am on holiday from university but then I remember that this is Real Life, well until June anyway.

I guess that old proverb about finding a job you love (etc etc) is true.

I think I'm back in the rhythm of full-time work, although I haven't worked such long hours for awhile. I get here at 8:30am each morning and tend to leave at 6 or 6:30pm, and usually eat my lunch while still writing emails. I'm not complaining – it just wears me out continually getting home after 7pm and still having to find time to make dinner, perhaps do some chores, and do other things like call Mum or read books.

But still, I love my job. I am learning, always learning - I'm working with the two best bosses I'll ever be employed by. I couldn't ask for a better opportunity. I'm fearful of what is going to happen when my internship ends... Big decisions to be made.

***

Yesterday was surely the first day of autumn. Actually, it felt more wintry than autumnal (NB: one of my favourite adjectives ever; I think because it makes me think of C.S. Lewis's Mr Tumnus); I even had my red coat on. I see that as a fairly definite sign that summer is over. Not long before I can dig out my winter boots!

***

A photo of me with some of my friends from school. This was taken at Sam's wedding, where I spent the whole night nattering to the people in this photo.

Even without seeing them more than once or twice a year, I still think of them as my good friends.

review

Since arriving back from holiday, I have: new glasses; made salsa verde (thumbs up); rejuvenated my herb garden (read: replanted everything except the flat-leaf parsley, which is the hardiest plant I've ever known); joined a gym; had a great haircut, maybe even my favourite yet; had a catnap most afternoons.

I read some books over the summer break. The Year of Living Biblically (A.J. Jacobs) was quite good, but I had expected more. It was getting tedious by the last chapter, and then it ended abruptly. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle (Barbara Kingsolver) is still accompanying me wherever I go; I've found it a good book to read in fits and starts, which suits me. The Post-Birthday World (Lionel Shriver) was excellent – this was probably the only fiction I read in 2007, and it was great. A bit heavy on the similes, however in all, a well-constructed plot. What a clever woman.

Lined up are: Towards Aotearoa (David Eggleton); What I loved (Suri Huvstvedt); a selection of Peter Gossage's picture books (thanks to my staff discount at Reed/Raupo); and re-reading Franny and Zooey (J.D. Salinger). That list will keep me going for awhile – for the last few months of 2007 I only seemed to read for the 10 minutes before I fell asleep. I remember a time in my life when I would devour a book (or more) a day; I could read my way through whole library shelves over the summer holidays. I guess that has to change when there are bills to be paid.

Goals for this year include: staying out of hospital; continuing my everlasting search for clothes that look good and keep me warm; refining my recipe for caramel slice until I reach the ultimate confection; find a permanent job in publishing. This year I am also looking forward to seeing my name in print again (more than once, actually – more information when the books are published), inviting friends from Dip.Publ for dinner, night classes, and finally working out how to use the rowing machine at the gym without hitting my knees.

Finally, below are assorted photos from our holiday over the festive period.

Happy 2008, everyone.

***

Trip to Auckland Zoo, 27 December

Guess the city!

Hint: Festival of Lights

Need another clue?

That's right – Sunny New Plymouth.
Jeremy and I spent a night there on our way home from Auckland.
It was really great; the Govett-Brewster Gallery was fab. The above photo was taken from this rock/mountain we climbed up. I'm surprised it wasn't blurry, because I had jelly-legs; there wasn't much between me and a 50-metre drop to the ground...

Kowhai Park in Wanganui

My dream house

mery christmas

I've just finished my six-week contract at Reed Publishing, coincidentally on the day that Reed Publishing stops trading as a separate entity. From next year, Reed will be Raupo Books and an imprint under Penguin Books. The last six weeks have been an interesting time, and I have worked on many books. I'll let everyone know when they are going to be released over the next year.

2008? Well, I'm going to be in Wellington for at least six months: I have an internship at Awa Press in Wellington. After that – who knows?! But it is comforting to know that I have three weeks' holiday to enjoy and then a job to go to; a publishing job in Wellington, no less. So 2008 is going to be another year of change and excitement. And that, really, is probably a good way to live.

Lastly, I want to wish everyone compliments of the season, and I hope that you all get to spend time with the people you love.

Jeremy and I at my graduation party in November

first week

I've been in Auckland for nearly one week. My first week at work has been pretty fun; at the moment I am editing a book about dogs who have jobs. It's children's non fiction, with funny pictures. So it isn't glamorous, but it's good experience, and everyone needs to learn about dogs some time, right?

On my lunch break on Tuesday, I discovered a good sushi place (Sushi-ya) up the road from the office. I'm not meant to eat sushi; something to do with rice collecting bacteria really quickly. But Sushi-ya has a man standing there making the sushi while you walk past and take from the pile, so I figure the turnover must be pretty good. And they have delicious miso soup. Umami indeed.

Living at home is nice; there are lots of feijoa smoothies in the fridge, and I have been drinking them with my breakfast each morning. Last night we went to the supermarket and I managed to sneak lots of yum food into the trolley. I'm sure she saw, but the best part of not living with your parents is when you come to stay, they like to buy you nice food.

So another busy week coming up, and an even busier weekend. My flying visit to Wellington will include making sandwiches, a super-fun party, taking Mum back to the airport, an early Christmas lunch with Jeremy's family, and rushing back to catch my own plane. Hopefully it will also involve eating at Oaks Satay Noodle House, having (decaf) coffee on the waterfront, maybe some gelato from Kaffeeis, and seeing my cousins. It's going to be jampacked, but it will be fun. Plus, I'll get to see my (ex?) classmates, and I've been missing hanging out with them every day. Oh, and Jeremy.

Today, back here in Auckland, the sun is shining and the air is starting to warm up. I think it might be a shorts day. Later I am going to help Mum run errands, and continue plundering her cookbooks for more ideas for the graduation party next week. I think I've got the menu sorted, but I'm always open to new ideas! At the moment I'm just trying to finalise the club sandwich fillings. I'll definitely make a cream cheese, mint, and cucumber sandwich; I'm just not sure what the other option will be. How glorious: a weekend of reading cookbooks!

christmas rush

About a month ago, I blithely volunteered to cater the graduation function for my class. The class made a collective decision to host a 'high tea', and I assumed that would be easy enough to organise, especially as I was planning to be at home all of the week before the Friday evening event.

Then I had a call from a publisher in Auckland, asking me to take on a short-term contract: starting next week and working until 21 December. Being the generally agreeable person that I am, I merrily said, 'Of course, I can move to Auckland for two months with only a week's notice', and gave nary a thought to the consequences until I hung up the phone.

So I have concocted a plan to both work in Auckland and cater the event. It involves lots of pre-cooking, chocolate tarts masquerading as carry-on luggage, and some frantic asparagus roll-making in the hours before the party starts. As some of my readers might be aware, however, I thrive on drama and stress. I guess choosing publishing for a career was a good way to channel this.

The move to Auckland is timely: my sister is coming back from Canada for a few weeks in December, so I will get to spend lots of time with her instead of just a few days over Christmas. And there are other family reasons why I want to be in Auckland at this time.

So I'm looking forward to the opportunity to work with New Zealand's oldest publishers, but I am going to miss Jeremy and all the pre-Christmas fun to be had. Jeremy said that putting up the Christmas tree can wait until one of my weekend visits, so I'll still get to take part in the Christmas Tree Tradition: pumping up the volume on an awful/great Christmas compliation CD I bought for $6.99 at the Warehouse; trying to find space for the tree in our tiny house; eating chocolate santas instead of attaching them to the tree; searching for an extension cord so we can plug in the lights; standing back and admiring our handiwork. Ahh, Christmas is coming, and the goose is getting fat.

I just have to get through the move, the graduation function, and the pre-Christmas rush at work. No problem. I thrive on drama and stress.

a horse, after all

Today I am a major grouch. I spent most of the night trying to find a comfortable position to lie in; preferably one that didn't involve my back or my stomach/ribs touching anything. Of course, this is impossible (I'm not a horse, you know), so I didn't get enough sleep.

Jeremy had to practically hoist me out of bed this morning, such were the aches in my legs and ribs. I am lucky that he is so patient with me on Wednesday mornings. He offers to make anything from a full variety of breakfast items, knowing that I usually a) feel like I'm going to vomit, and b) chewing anything hard, crunchy, or in anyway un-liquid hurts my jaw/head (it's all that bone marrow in the skull). Today I had berry yoghurt, and that was good. Except when it was 11am, and I hadn't eaten anything else. I had to try and quell my tummy-grumbles as I listened to the speaker going wayyy over her time limit. I managed to keep myself from sliding off my chair into a hungry and overheated puddle, but it put me into a foul mood that is still to dissipate.

Making me slightly happier is moving a book from 'Want to read' to 'Reading now' on my Facebook Visual Bookshelf. I bought Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver from Unity Books yesterday. I've been wanting to read it for a long time, and I stroke the beautiful-paper cover every time I go into the shop. Yesterday, I was weighing up whether to buy a book by Theodore Dalrymple or the Kingsolver, and BK won. I was in a bad mood yesterday afternoon too, and I thought the Kingsolver book would cheer me up. And it did.
So I have sore bones, and there isn't really any remedy for it. It usually passes by Thursday, which means I should be less grouchy by tomorrow. I think I'll spend the rest of the afternoon eating a delicious Granny Smith apple, reading my new book, and thinking about how good I've got it. After all, I could be a horse.

otaki beach

I haven't written here for a long time, and this entry is only prompted by a large, looming assignment. But I'd like to make it known that this is my last assignment. Phew – 5 years of assignments is enough, thanks.

I don't much feel like writing about everything that has happened since my last update. Although, I will say that The Six Pack Two not only got to number one on the New Zealand Bestseller's List for Fiction, but it is also being reprinted (after selling out of 30,000 copies). I'm pretty pleased about that.

Only three more weeks of my diploma. I'm going to miss my classmates, despite their funny ways. I won't miss the large assignments, or the computer lab with no windows, or the notoriously slow computers. But I've enjoyed going along to class at 9am every morning, the 10am coffee break, and the general chitchat about punctuation, books we are reading, gossiping, sharing ideas, and just generally becoming friends with many of my fellow students. It's been an intensive year; even more stressful than my Honours year. In light of this, I'm glad J and I got married last year and not this year!

We went on holiday last weekend to the IDFNZ holiday home in Otaki. It was really great to get out of Wellington; sometimes I find it so claustrophobic here. I was pretty tired most of the trip; my neutrophils are low right now. I still managed to take two walks along the beach each day, bolstered by the energy-saving activities of reading books in the sun, drinking a cup of tea. I've even got some photos:

Skimming rocks on the river

Uprooted tree on Otaki Beach

Trying to make that impressive rock-thrown-into-the-water noise.

Success!

I was so surprised to see a meringue for sale in a café that we bought it. Then it came to our table all covered in cream and raspberry jam...

But that didn't stop us eating it...

This is what holidays are all about...

Taken on our trip to Auckland the previous weekend; just off Mayoral Drive.

And that's about all I've got to say. The next two months are going to be exciting. I'll try and write more about it.

couscous? yumyum!

I'm eating reheated leftovers from last night, and boy they taste good. I've included the recipe in this post, because it is something the world needs to share. The part that takes the longest is chopping the ingredients, so if you are a super-fast chopper, then the whole dish would probably take 10 minutes. Otherwise, about 15 minutes. I think I've got it down to about 12 minutes..

On a non-food-related note, I am putting together my CV for various jobs around the world that I am interested in applying for. Jeremy and I are both really excited at the prospect of moving; we stayed up til 1am one night last week, talking in the dark about all the things we would do, and all the things we would miss. What better time of our life is there to pack up and move? The answer is, none.

Small aside: Another half-day stay in the emergency department yesterday. Same complaint as last time (spleen-area pain), with same result from doctor: "There is obviously something wrong, but we can't find it despite three different tests. So have a prescription for a million painkillers and rest at home." So I'm codeine-d and ibruprofen-ed, and at home. Luckily I have two weeks holiday, although I've got to write an essay, do lots of work on my next publication, and start another (the last!) assignment. But I am going to choose a day to just do things for me, which will probably involve drinking decaf coffee at Elements, going to the library, and maybe even an afternoon at the movie theatre.

My brain is pretty foggy from the drugs, but I have to finish the cover letter. First impressions last (when job-seeking), so I'd better make sure I don't spell anything wrong. Something I have been wondering about: if I apply for a job in America, should I convert my CV and letter to American English? I can't decide.

Before I go, here is the recipe:

Pan couscous with chorizo and green beans
Serves 4, takes about 15 minutes from start to plate

• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 red onion, sliced
• 2 garlic cloves, crushed
• 1 long red chilli, sliced (omit if you're not a fan of hot food, but it is pretty good!)
• 2 chorizo sausages, sliced
• 400g can tomatoes, chopped
• 2 cups chicken stock
• 150g green beans, sliced
• 1 1/4 cups couscous
• 1 cup coriander (cilantro) leaves (I used flat-leaf parsley because our coriander plant didn't survive the winter, and it tasted good.)
• lemon wedges to serve (Don't forget this! Lemon is a perfect partner for couscous)

Heat a non-stick frying pan over medium heat.
Add the oil, onion, garlic, chilli and chorizo, and cook for 1-2 minutes.
Add the tomatoes, stock, and beans, and sprinkle over the couscous.
Cover with a lid, reduce the heat to low, and simmer for 5 minutes, or until the liquid is absorbed.
Top with the coriander and serve with the lemon.

(Source: Donna Hay magazine)

thereissomuch variations:
I add the coriander/parsley with the onions, garlic, etc. And then a little more at the end for decoration.
If you want a vegetarian version, omit the chorizo and add more vegetables (capsicum, sun-dried tomatoes, maybe some celery) and olives. Actually, even if you aren't a vegetarian, add capsicum. It tastes really good in this dish.

top three

Here are the most exciting things that have happened since I last updated:

• The Six Pack Two reached the top of the NZ Bestseller List. Not bad for my first book, huh? Last year's edition stayed on the list for 14 weeks, so here's hoping.
• I went on a class field trip to Wai-te-ata Press, and used an ancient printing press to make a poster. And I was the only class member to get red ink all over my hands.
• Jeremy and I saw Perfume last weekend. It wasn't as good as the book (because describing scent in words is difficult enough without having to translate to images... ergo, heavy use of voiceover in the movie), but we ate some nice chocolate while watching, so that made it better.

en dashing

I have always been a proper text messager; I loathe using abbreviations except for extreme cases of squashing too much information into 160 characters. On the bus this afternoon, I was wondering to myself if my cellphone punctuation menu had an en dash.

It doesn't. I checked.

Now it is bugging me that I have to use a hyphen when it should be an en dash.

I probably should include this information on my CV when I apply for jobs.

first book review

It scares me that there are so many copies of The Six Pack Two for people to see. 30, 000, minus the four that I have (most to be sent to friends and relatives overseas). I've even seen some in the windows of bookshops, an honour not afforded every publication. It was quite a surreal experience, bussing past Dymocks this week. You see, Harriet and I totalled up the time we spent on this book: 360 hours (give or take a little for checking emails, eating lunch from Wishbone, and other important tasks). After spending that much time on a project, you feel like it is yours. I have just had my first taste of how an author must feel when their book is finally published.

This is the first review of the book (other than the press release) that I have found: http://beattiesbookblog.blogspot.com/2007/09/bookman-beattie-blogging-from-byron-bay.html#links
And it doesn't say, "Who did the typesetting? I could hardly read it!" So I figure my publishing career isn't over before it has barely started...

six pack two

I'm writing this as I nurse my burned tongue; I was fully conscious when I poured boiling water onto my apple tea, yet somehow forgot as I took a large gulp a moment later...

I haven't been updating because I have been super-busy, and also in Auckland recently. I came back on Saturday evening, and have been catching up on errands since then. Like, today: I went to pick up my next month's supply of Neupogen. The oncology nurses always look at me askance when I say "I'm Hannah Bennett, I'm here to pick up my G-CSF, it's in your fridge". I think it's because the drug is intended for cancer patients, to increase their white blood cell count after their chemotherapy treatment. But also, handily, it works for my genetic mess-up... Anyway, another $1000 of drugs are in the fridge to keep me going this month.

I recently joined Immune Deficiency Foundation of New Zealand (IDFNZ), who have been so great. They sent me lots of information on cyclical neutropenia, although I had already found out most of it through the internet. They also sent me two tickets to a variety show in Wellington, which had been raising funds for the Foundation and had sent IDF some free tickets. We had something on that night already, but it's the thought, right? But the best part of belonging to IDFNZ so far is finding out about their holiday homes. When I was originally looking at their site, I saw that they ran a holiday home in Red Beach (just north of Auckland), which was paid for, set up by, and continues to be sponsored by the local Lions Club, and any member of the foundation (and their family) can stay there for free. I received the latest newsletter when I signed up to the Foundation, and in it was an announcement that they had recently set up another home in Otaki (about an hour north of Wellington). The house is brand new, and comes fully supplied with everything you could need. Finding this out was a real blessing to Jeremy and me, because we have been working so hard lately, and really feel like we need a break. Yes, we did go away for our wedding anniversary in July, but since then I have worked crazy hours and have had two colds. So, I'm waiting to hear which weekends the house will be available, and we will be jumping into our new little red car (other piece of news) and spending a weekend walking on the beach and reading.

Lastly, the first book I've ever made was launched on Sunday. You can read more about it here: http://nzbookmonth.co.nz/sixpack.aspx

And here is an image of the cover of the book, so you know what it looks like. Except the cover changed slightly (at the very last minute); it doesn't have the $6 flash on it. But you get the idea. I'd like to reiterate once more that it only costs $6. So you can all buy it. There is a good mix of stories, and also my name is on the imprint page. What more could you want?

Jeremy is almost home from work. That is my favourite time of day.

neutropenia-related paraphenalia

I just got back from the hospital; this time, however, only to pick up my monthly supply of Neupogen. There is a law that prevents the hospital from giving me more than four weeks' medication at once, which means that every four weeks I have to call the pharmacy at the hospital and request more medicine, then go and pick it up from the friendly nurses at the Blood and Cancer Centre. It's frustrating (what, do they think I'm going to inject myself with it all at once? Sell it on the black market to cancer patients?!), but hey, my other option is to pay thousands of dollars to get it at the local chemist.

Last time I went to get the medicine, I had to pick it up from the pharmacy itself, which is somewhere deep inside the rabbit warren that is Wellington Hospital - I felt a bit like Alice. I had to push a buzzer and convince them of who I was before I was allowed inside to get the medicine. It was pushed through a hole in the wall, next to which was a bored-looking security guard. They gave me the nifty chilly bin pictured above, which has a refrigerated plastic block inside (like the type you take on picnics). Plus a large red sticker screaming REFRIGERATE. I take what pleasures I can...

Book update: one sent to press, the other at the editing stage. This time it's an academic journal (so non-fiction, as opposed to the last book), and I am enjoying it a lot more. I'm just about to finish editing the last essay, which is full of theories about globalisation and its effect on the landscape in Mexico. It makes me feel a little dumb, but I hope my enthusiasm for the topic makes up for my lack of background knowledge. And when you are editing, sometimes it is helpful to know nothing about the subject - easier to be objective about the clarity of the writing.

Neupogen report

I don't sleep well on Tuesday nights. At 8:30pm, without fail, I have my weekly injection to get my bone marrow to shake its booty and produce some neutrophils. About an hour afterward, I get achy and tired, and feel a headache coming on. I try to go to bed about 9:00pm if possible, in an attempt to get some sleep before these side effects set in. I curl up under the blankets and make myself a little flannel nest. But I am already aware of how the night will progress: I will wake up every two hours in a sweat, with a dry mouth and a pounding headache. And it can take up to half an hour to cool down again, and to rebuild the nest.

Somewhere around 3:30am, I usually give up the pretence of sleeping, and I lie awake with my thoughts until 5am, around which time I manage to doze until the alarm goes off at 6:45am. The process of getting up, dressing myself, and leaving the house before 8am, begins. I've been trying to implement ways to cope with this series of events, because each movement takes a lot of energy. I have a shower on Tuesday night, so that I don't have to stand for too long, or twist, bend, and turn around too much, when I am aching on Wednesday morning. I lay out the clothes I want to wear, cutting out the need for rambling around the house in the morning, trying to find something clean. (And this outfit usually involves cardigans, because raising my arms above my head to put on a jumper is too painful.) I pack my bag the night before, with my notes, pens, and whatever else is needed for class, except for my lunch, which I probably would have planned sometime around 4am.

Throughout the day, I keep on top of a four-hourly Nurofen schedule, starting around 7:30am. It helps to reduce the aching, which means I can walk from the bus stop to school without my body complaining. Sometimes it also helps with the crazy headaches; another side effect I've developed over the past few weeks. When I mentioned these to the specialist recently, he said that the skull is one of the richest sources of bone marrow. There's a piece of information you probably didn't know.

The housework goes on hold on Wednesdays, and washing doesn't get done until Thursday. That's okay - we both have lots of clothes. Jeremy usually cooks dinner on Wednesday nights, so I can lie on the couch and rest. Sometimes I take a bath in the evenings, with lots of bath salts and bubbles. And if I'm lucky, Jeremy gives me a shoulder massage - though, only if you can call 'the lightest touch possible' a massage. It hurts too much otherwise.

I've been on this medication for 4 and a half months now. After three months the side effects seemed to be getting better, but the last few weeks have been noticeably worse. I have, however, been getting fewer sore throats and mouth ulcers, although this week I do have two particularly vicious visitors - one on each side of the mouth, both just large enough to make eating painful. But overall, the medication is working.

Being tied down to a specific time for each injection is becoming irritating. Jeremy and I had to turn down an invitation this week that we were both interested in attending, because it would have been untenable for me to 'shoot up' in the bathroom in the middle of it.

You see, one of the annoying things about Neupogen is that it must be stored in the refrigerator, until half an hour before Injection Time, when you have to let the syringe return to room temperature before you can use it. This restriction was the main barrier to venturing out from home on Tuesday nights. Then, about a month ago, I learned that diabetics use 'refrigerator bags' to keep their insulin cool when travelling. So I visited the Wellington Diabetic Society, and the elderly gentleman manning the office was of great help. He showed me this fantastic little product that diabetics use, and I bought it straightaway. It is a fabric pouch about the size of an A5 piece of paper, filled with little crystals. 20 minutes before you need it, you immerse the bag in cold water for 5 minutes, then let it dry out for a further 15. The crystals swell up into a gel, creating a little refrigerated bag.

I tested it for the first time three weeks ago, when Jeremy and I went to a family dinner at Jeremy's aunt Sarah's house. At 8pm I snuck out to the hallway to get the medicine out of said pouch, and at 8:30pm went into the bathroom to inject. Jeremy came with me, because I tend to get nervous when I have to inject anywhere other than the comfort of our own bathroom. It's all psychological, and I don't know why it happens. Anyway, Jeremy injected the medication, I stuck a sticky plaster on my tummy, and returned to the dinner party, without drawing too much attention to myself. And now, three weeks later, without any further soaking, the bag is still cool. It is the best $39 I've ever spent. And it gives me hope that Jeremy and I could travel to places without readily-accessible refrigeration (e.g. backpackers hostels, Asia, or a combination of both), and still be able to keep myself healthy. The places where fridges aren't freely available are probably the places where it's even more important that I inject myself, to avoid bacterial infections. So our world-travel plans are once more on the cards.

learning the kerning

The book is at the proofreading and 'mucking about with typesetting' stage. I've spent at least 4 hours (so far) playing with the kerning, trying to get the text into a form that is typographically respectable. It's hard work, but I really enjoy it. There's just a long two weeks ahead before it is sent to the printer...

Here are some photos from our recent (and too-short) trip away to Weber (in the Tararua district, about 30km east from Dannevirke):

The house we rented for a few nights (it was even more gorgeous inside)

The early morning view from the verandah

A visit to Herbertville beach (this photo doesn't capture its beauty; the sun was making the water a perfect aqua, and the sand was the colour of caramel)

The longest place name in New Zealand... and the WORLD!

Pretending to be part of the fountain at Dannevirke

It wasn't quite a tropical island (like where my mother and brother are this week), but we had a good time, despite the terrible cold I was recovering from. We read books, and listened to surprisingly good local radio stations. I taught Jeremy how to light a fire. And we ate delicious cheese.

drowning in tissues

Jeremy bought me these flowers, because they are some of my favourites. They are to cheer me up (no pun intended) - I have a bad cold this week, and I'm even staying home from classes today. It's just progressed from the "runny nose, and feeling tired" stage to the "runny nose, scratchy throat, cough, headache, and exhausted" stage.

We are going on holiday tomorrow for a few days, and we are both looking forward to recuperating. Some people go to the south of France, but we go to the Manawatu!

I realize you've lived in France, but that doesn't mean you know EVERYTHING!

A favourite poem:

Lines For The Fortune Cookies

I think you're wonderful and so does everyone else.
Just as Jackie Kennedy has a baby boy, so will you--even bigger.
You will meet a tall beautiful blonde stranger, and you will not say hello.
You will take a long trip and you will be very happy, though alone.
You will marry the first person who tells you your eyes are like scrambled eggs.
In the beginning there was YOU--there will always be YOU, I guess.
You will write a great play and it will run for three performances.
Please phone The Village Voice immediately: they want to interview you.
Roger L. Stevens and Kermit Bloomgarden have their eyes on you.
Relax a little; one of your most celebrated nervous tics will be your undoing.
Your first volume of poetry will be published as soon as you finish it.
You may be a hit uptown, but downtown you're legendary!
Your walk has a musical quality which will bring you fame and fortune.
You will eat cake.
Who do you think you are, anyway? Jo Van Fleet?
You think your life is like Pirandello, but it's really like O'Neill.
A few dance lessons with James Waring and who knows?
Maybe something will happen.
That's not a run in your stocking, it's a hand on your leg.
I realize you've lived in France, but that doesn't mean you know EVERYTHING!
You should wear white more often--it becomes you.
The next person to speak to you will have a very intriquing proposal to make.
A lot of people in this room wish they were you.
Have you been to Mike Goldberg's show? Al Leslie's? Lee Krasner's?
At times, your disinterestedness may seem insincere, to strangers.
Now that the election's over, what are you going to do with yourself?
You are a prisoner in a croissant factory and you love it.
You eat meat. Why do you eat meat?
Beyond the horizon there is a vale of gloom.
You too could be Premier of France, if only ... if only...

- Frank O'Hara

aquajogging is the new pilates

It is extremely windy outside, and from the window next to me, I can see mist and rain rolling over the Orongrongos and the Miramar Peninsula. It is one of those afternoons I feel lucky to be inside next to the heater, which is probably my second most favourite thing in the world. I've got a huge pile of glorious editing to do (I love correcting spelling mistakes), and some tasty tamarillos for sustenance. All I need now is for someone to do the washing, make dinner, and give me a shoulder massage.

I've been on a bit of a low these past two days, but I'm convinced it's fatigue-related. You see, I was in hospital again over the weekend. On Sunday afternoon, I started getting bad abdominal pains in my 'upper left quadrant', and also back pain in the corresponding area. The Neupogen information that comes with each little syringe says that this pain can be a symptom of an enlarged spleen (which can then lead to rupturing, which is not good), and to see the Emergency Department straightaway. It wasn't the first time I've had this aching, but it was definitely more painful than any other time. I couldn't even bend down, or stretch to either side. Still being slightly unconfident of the nature of my newly-diagnosed disease, I prevaricated going to the hospital. Jeremy was equally unsure. So I rung Healthline (0800 611 116), and talked to a nurse, who recommended I get the pain checked at the hospital.

So we went off into the night, wrapped in jumpers and scarfs to ward off the chill. It was 9pm when we left home, and 3:30am when we got back. The time spent in the emergency department was mainly just waiting around, as there were quite a few seriously-ill patients. I had a blood test, a chest x-ray, and the doctor prodded my abdomen considerably. It turned out that my spleen seemed okay, but the sore throats/headaches/ulcers I have had over the last few days were worrying, given the CN. So blood was drawn to confirm my neutrophil count, except there was a lab strike on, so the blood test took two and a half hours to come back. Anyway, the level was okay, so I could go home, armed with 2 codeine pills and a prescription for more. If I had been very low in neutrophils, they would have admitted me overnight and put me on antibiotics, via IV drip. I went to my GP the next day (yesterday, even), and I've been booked in for an abdominal scan to check out the spleen.

While waiting in the hospital, Jeremy and I managed sleep for a grand total of 10 minutes sometime around 2:30am, only to be woken up by the radiologist coming to take me to get a chest x-ray. I was reasonably comfortable (if you can call the emergency department beds comfortable), but J had only two hard chairs and a collection of my jumpers to fashion temporary bedding. He ended up resting his head against my shoulder, legs across the chairs, almost sitting upright.

I was worried about the blood test results, because I didn't want to stay in the hospital overnight, but Jeremy distracted me very competently. We played the "what's a fruit or vegetable starting with the letter A, B, C, etc." game; he read me Finlay McDonald's article in the paper; we chatted; he patted my hand when I felt ill; he fetched old Woman's Weekly magazines for me to listlessly flick through; he even offered to make me a rubber glove rooster. He is a good hospital companion: uncomplaining and patient. As long as he has a book. Which makes him my kinda guy.

I have been thinking over the past few months, that I am very lucky to have Jeremy to support me: earlier, through the diagnosis period, and now, as we adjust to some new ways of living and as I'm getting used to the Neupogen. I would have found this process more difficult without him to be my chef, chauffeur, comedian, cheerleader, and constant companion. (that alliteration!)

Which reminds me: tonight is Medicine Night. I've done the injections myself for the past two weeks, which has been challenging. Because of the angle at which you have to hold the syringe, it's easier for me to inject into my upper thigh, rather than into my abdomen. Except I seem to get more aches injecting there, so perhaps I'll ask Jeremy to inject my abdomen this week, and then I'll monitor any difference in pain. Pretty scientific for an English graduate, yes?

I thought swimming might be a way to help alleviate the aches in my bones, so tomorrow I'll be down at the Regional Aquatic Centre to give it a try. J and I went to the pool on Saturday afternoon, and did some aquajogging - you may look and feel silly running through the water, but it's a good way to combine exercise and talking. Case in point: as we were making our way down the pool, we aquajogged past Jeremy's workmate, so we had a chat with him too, and jogged together in a line. Aquajogging is so the new Pilates.

hodgepodge

Some good books I've read lately:

Me Talk Pretty One Day, by David Sedaris (funniest book I have read in a long time, probably ever. The chapter "Jesus Shaves" had me nearly crying. With laughter, I mean.)

The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood (I'd been meaning to read it for years, and finally did. A good book, although not for the lighthearted literature fan. I love how she plays with words, and doesn't hide it. I wonder if the movie version is any good?)

The Boy in Striped Pyjamas, by John Boyne (The ending is very upsetting, but the book is well-written, and especially recommended by me for you. It's marketed as a young adult novel, but I think it is pretty heavy going for a young teen. Definitely readable for adults too.)

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Have you all voted for the NZ Book Month Six Pack book? You can go here, http://competition.nzbookmonth.co.nz/stories.aspx, and make your choice. I am co-editing this book, hence the promotion.)

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Here is your daily intake of cute animal photos. Jeremy took these on site a few months ago, and I found them when I was clearing out my inbox.)

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Lastly - Jeremy was away on a trip last week, so I had to inject my medication myself for the first time. It's pretty weird to stick a needle into yourself. But I did it, after disassociating what I was seeing from what I was feeling. It seemed to work. And I rewarded myself with icecream.

Now that I know I can do it, I feel more confident about going out on Tuesday nights; I can take all the paraphernalia into the bathroom and inject myself, without causing a fuss. Except I start getting sore and tired about an hour after the injection, so that might curtail the socialising.

Apparently the bone pain was meant to be going away by now (I've having these injections for three months), but still no change. Sometimes it feels like the pain is getting worse. It's relative, I guess.

invisible chronic illness

I've been busy sending e-mails to various organisations, trying to get more information about whether there are any blood disorder related support groups. I contacted the New Zealand Organisation for Rare Diseases, who suggested that I contact the New Zealand Leukaemia and Blood Foundation. I have also e-mailed the ImmunoDeficiency Foundation of New Zealand. I'm not really holding out for any sort of network, seeing that cyclical neutropenia only occurs in 1 person per million. But to get in contact with someone else in NZ who is similarly affected, would be really beneficial to my state of mind. There are overseas web-based support groups, and that is my plan B.

I have so many questions, but I'm not going back to the hospital for another month, so I don't know who to ask. I guess that's why I would like to talk to someone who knows firsthand what it feels like. I've been reading books on living with chronic illnesses, but they all suggest joining a support group. Not so helpful. The best of the bunch (so far) is a book called Sick and Tired of Feeling Sick and Tired: Living with an Invisible Chronic Illness. It is a relief to read stories of other people who have the day-to-day problems that I face. There are lots of little things, like having to stand up on the bus while elderly/disabled people are given seats by other passengers. Not that I begrudge them this courtesy, and I certainly don't wish a physical disability upon myself. But sometimes it is painful for me to stand around for long periods of time, especially the day after I inject the ol' Neupogen.

I've also found a good website: www.butyoudontlooksick.com. The author of that site has a great story called, "The Spoon Theory" (http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/). I can relate to this really well, although she suffers from something different (lupus). Jeremy and I have introduced the terminology into our lives, as a sort of monitoring system I guess. He knows what I am talking about when I say, "I'm low on spoons today, so I need you to make dinner tonight." And it works well for us; I guess it's just the same as saying "I am tired/I am exhausted/I can hardly get out of bed", but without sounding so whiny.

Jeremy is away for a few days this week, back in the Bay of Islands. We made lots of food over the weekend so that I would not be tempted to have toast for dinner. I am starting to get used to being home alone at night, but I don't much like it. I never sleep very well.

This week, all my spoons are going towards getting out of bed (often a whole spoon in itself), going to class, coming home, editing manuscripts, proofreading, eating dinner, and making my way to bed. There isn't a lot of room for me to do much else at the moment both because my schedule is full and my energy is low. I guess it's all about prioritising.